I have been a faithful reader of your newspaper for many years, and while I have, now and then, found fault with certain things written here, I never thought it necessary to write *back* about them. However, nothing can compare to the soul-affronting, vomit-inducing calamity which presented itself when I opened your webpage a little while ago. I am talking to you about the article: “Satire: New Pokémon Club Persevering in the Face of a Pandemic.”
Not to waste too much of your time, I will state the main problem up front: There is no Pokémon Club. Now you may say, “how can you prove that something does not exist?” And while it is true that philosophically, there may be no solution to this problem, I am capable of utilizing the critical thinking skills taught to me at this very school, in order to dissect the problem and reach a conclusion which, beyond reasonable doubt, is true.
Firstly, the “Pokémon Club” is not listed on the WCI virtual club fair. And I did not simply skim this website, then provide the link for you to skim as well. No. I performed several pain-stakingly thorough searches on it, its contents, and its identity. Having read every word, I found none which even resembled the word “Pokémon”. Not to fall victim to a false trust in my own senses, I also performed a digital search of the words on the page. I made sure to try all plausible mis-typings and abbreviations, emulating Google’s acclaimed fuzzy-finding algorithm. I searched with and without diacritics. Both of these searches came up blank. There is no “Pokémon Club” listed on the virtual club fair.
Secondly, I was sure to confirm my findings on the website with authorities in the school. I emailed Ms. Watters, the principal, who told me that she had never heard of such a club. I emailed Mr. Sukizo, who told me that the thought of running such a club had never even occurred to him. I emailed Mr. Witless, another interviewee in the article, who, after I guided him through the process of using email, told me that no one had interviewed him in the past eight months.
Additionally, some of the interviewees in this article are not even real! Brendan B, Steven S, and Sam Hill all do not have WRDSB email accounts, nor do they have report cards, OENs, Canadian passports, or souls. This leads me to conclude that, not only is the author of this article lying about the existence of this club, he is also lying about its members! This has many implications that worry me deeply, but are beyond the scope of this letter.
Having acquired the information above, the rest of the article falls apart very easily. The club is not overcoming any setbacks brought upon by COVID-19, as neither the club, nor COVID-19, exists. There is no determinant age for the club, except possibly “null”. Brendan does not really care about Pokémon, for one cannot care without a soul. The reporter did not climb out of a window to escape a nonexistent person—rather, he was robbing a house. There are no critics of this club, as no one with a good moral compass and functioning id/ego/superego would put in the time to criticize something that was never the case.
I suggest that you fire the human meatloaf who wrote this piece of garbage, and also perhaps revoke his citizenship. I have heard rumors of him claiming that he is actually Mennonite (which I doubt for reasons not given here), and that it is his religious right to “satire”, justifying this article. I suggest we test this out by deporting him to Elmira—but this letter is already much too long, and I must leave that thought unfinished. Farewell!