Satire: The ION Train is Public Transportation’s Annoying Little Brother

The ION Train route 301 moves through Kitchener-Waterloo. Photo contributed by Naif Amado.

One day I was riding the 204 through the city center, and it was driving next to the ION train. The bus had to stop at bus stops and traffic lights. The train only had to stop at train stops. The whole time, both vehicles were side by side.

Another day I was in a car with a relative driving down a road. At one point, we had to stop at a train crossing for the ION train. But after it had passed by, the bells kept ringing, and the bars remained down.

This went on for many minutes. A line of cars was growing on both ends. Some recognized the situation as hopeless, and turned around. Some mustered the courage to drive around the bars. We waited patiently for about ten minutes, but eventually, we also turned around.

These two anecdotes are a perfect demonstration of two of the evils perpetuated by the ION train: sloth, and gluttony. It is way too slow, and takes more than it needs.

Now you might say, “But the ION train is actually useful; I use it all the time,” or, “You cannot be serious when you claim that the train is evil,” or, “Your anecdotes are not enough to convince me, a free-thinking libertarian postmodernist intellectual, of such an obviously contrived, politically motivated, communist narrative.” But nothing could be further from the truth.

The ION train suspiciously sneaking around in the night. Photo by Daniel Y.

To those who claim it is useful: according to the Victims of ION-ism Memorial Association of Canada, 98% of Waterloo residents have never thought to use the ION train, and the remaining 2% who have are certified morons.

Regarding those who question the evilness of the ION train, rest assured that it is. As said before, the train exhibits both sloth, in its slowness, and gluttony, in its excessive consumption of others’ valuable time.

What gives the train the authority to block the roads for long periods of time, including after it has passed through the intersection? Who gave it the idea that it could waste everyone’s time, moving at a speed that can only be described as “hella slow”? Not unlike a tyrant, I would say; passing through the streets, forcing everyone to yield as they do.

Now, to the free-thinking libertarians who reject my narrative, you must realize that my argument against the ION train is itself libertarian in nature.

Consider if a car was driving toward an ION train intersection, and the ION train came along and hit the car. Much damage would certainly be done to the car and to its driver, likely injuring or killing them. Would that not be a literal violation of a fundamental tenet of libertarianism, “Don’t tread on me”?

If this were in the United States, such a train system would be immediately dismantled. There would be bipartisan support to get rid of it, for it is against both pro-choice and pro-life ideologies. But unfortunately, we do not live in the land of the free.

To any of the unholy bootlicking freeloaders who have the audacity to use the ION train, consider peering out the window the next time you are at an intersection. Look at all the cars you are blocking, and try to imagine how many tax dollars were wasted on these failed subway cars just so you could make all those people late for work. Look them all in the eyes and see how mildly bored you have made them. Take your time; you are riding an ION train, after all.

Featured image contributed by Naif Amado.